Self-Sabotage in Relationships Looks Like Anger, But It's Actually Fear
It's long after Valentine's Day and you're looking at them, looking at you, looking at them, trying not to lose your shit because you're hoping for romance, sparks, a smoke signal, something, anything. Self-sabotage in relationships doesn't always look the way you think it does.
You think you're asking for more romance, but you're actually asking for proof you'll be let down.
You find it difficult to be vulnerable but easy to be upset or irritated. That's because it's easier to be irritated than it is to be disappointed. It's something you learned along the way that worked, until it didn't.
The irritation is actually quite brilliant. You either A. get what you want, or B. get to point the finger and say, " See, you never listen to me. You’re just like everybody else.” Option B feels safe for your nervous system. I'm willing to bet it even feels safer than option A. It's why you pick fights when what you actually want is to be comforted.
You want romance or to feel the connection you had on day one. You've had a couple of conversations. You think it should just happen. You have thoughts like: if they love me, they'll do it. I’ve done this and that for them. Why can't they just do this for me?
You can't have the fairytale ending just because your p*ssy or d*ck is good, because you clean the house, or because you pay for dinner. That's not enough.
Here's what's actually in the way: Can you be emotionally available to yourself? Because if you can't do that, you can't expect them to do it either. If you're struggling to articulate what you need out of fear or shame, you have to work through that, both together and individually. And if deep down you don't feel worthy of what you're asking for, you're likely to sabotage it when you do get it. This is one of the ways self-sabotage shows up in relationships.
That's what I meant by option B feeling safer. You know how that story goes, and your nervous system will always default to what's familiar over what's actually good for you.
The good news is, it’s not like your nervous system is broken. It's just running an old operating system, but you can update it.
This isn't meant to shame you. It's meant to bring it back to you, because your thoughts and actions are what you have control over.
How would you act differently if you didn't fear disappointment? Can you take one tiny step to show up as that person?Let's work on it.
FAQS:
What is self-sabotage in relationships? Self-sabotage is when you act in ways that are harmful to your relationships (usually without realizing it). These actions can be conscious or unconscious, and the behaviors tend to be based on fear of disappointment, rejection, or vulnerability.
Why do I pick fights with my partner when I love them? Picking fights doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner. In fact, you may pick fights because you love your partner. The fights may be part of your defense mechanism or your body’s way of keeping you emotionally safe.
How do I stop self-sabotaging my relationship? It’s important to be aware of when you’re self-sabotaging and what your triggers are. Knowing these things can allow you to work on changing your responses in real time. I’d encourage you to work with a therapist to do this.
Is self-sabotage in relationships a trauma response? It can be. Self-sabotage is often your nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe. If you grew up in an environment where disappointment was frequent or unpredictable, your brain built a protection system. That system made sense then. In adult relationships, it often works against you.
Disclaimer:
This blog is a space for ideas and educational content, not a substitute for therapy. What you find here is meant to educate and invite reflection, not to serve as advice or replace the work of a skilled clinician. Reading this does not create a therapeutic relationship between you and any clinician at Faro Therapy.